We recently held our live event, Courageous Loving Experience and had an opportunity to interact with an amazing group of people, both single and in relationships.  It was a fun and impactful day. I wanted to share a common question we heard from many attendees.

 

“How do you create desire for your partner again when there have been so many life circumstances that have gotten in our way? We love each other, yet my desire has faded.”

 

First, if this is happening in you relationship, know you are not alone.  This is very common and often cyclical in intimate relationships. When my children were young and I was still breast-feeding, for instance, I had a lower desire for Michael than when they were older and required a different type of care. When Michael had a health challenge he was not as passionate as when he was healthier. So if you see this as a temporary issue, then talk with each other and come up with something acceptable to both of you without compromising yourself. The passion and desire will often return.

 

When the desire is not there at all, that is a different concern of course. After ruling out mental or physical issues that can be impacting desire by working with your health care provider, you may want to consider this next idea.

 

What I am about to say, may seem crazy or over simplified and may even anger you, yet I believe that it is the foundation to forward progress in most cases.

 

MAKE A COMMITTED DECISION TO EXPLORE WHY YOUR DESIRE HAS FADED AND IF IT’S IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO RE-KINDLE IT, MAKE A DECISION TO DO THAT!

 

Decision is a simple concept and yet in practice very few people make real decisions. If you listen to people talk you will hear them use the words –I’ve decided to change my eating habits and get fit; I’ve decided to change how I communicate with my partner; yet these are often mere words and not committed decisions. When things get tough or they are challenged the decision goes out the window and they often resort back to their habitual way of being.

 

What does making a decision in this case look like? Does it mean doing something for the sake of your partner’s needs regardless of how you feel? Absolutely not! What I am talking about here is not leaving any stone unturned in your exploration as you determine the real reason your desire has faded and then decide if you want to work on yourself to re-kindle it. Sometimes help from professionals is needed to get to the core.

Often there are underlying issues that couples have not resolved that clog up natural desires and until they are brought out the desire lies dormant.  Sometimes forgiveness work is also necessary (self and partner forgiveness).

 

The work that we do with couples is in supporting them to learn more about themselves (and their partners) in a safe and respectful environment.  Leaving no stone unturned means looking at and taking 100% RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR PART in the relationship and often means un-learning or discarding habitual patterns and beliefs that no longer serve us.

 

To Committed Decisions!

 

 

 

 

 

 

For more information on how to create extraordinary relationships starting with yourself, check out this innovative program!

 

P.S.  If you would like more support in applying these principles, give us a call.  In between our speaking and coaching engagements, we carve out a few individualized sessions each month. Schedule your appointment here.